| how true... hahaha |
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| 03:55pm 17/09/2009 |
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mood:  anxious music: blink....
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It's alright
to tell me
what you think
about me
I won't try
to argue
or hold it
against you
I know that
you're leaving
you must have
your reasons
The season
is calling
your pictures
are falling down
The steps that
I retrace
the sad look
on your face
The timing
and structure
did you hear
he fucked her?
A day late
a buck short
I'm writing
the report
On losing
and failing
when I move
I'm flailing now
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
Well I guess this is growing up
And maybe
I'll see you
at a movie
sneak preview
You'll show up
and walk by
on the arm
of that guy
And I'll smile
and you'll wave
we'll pretend
it's okay
The charade
it won't last
when he's gone
I won't come back
And it'll happen once again
You'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And you've been there for too long
To face this on your own
Well I guess this is growing up
Well, I guess this is growing up [4x]
Well, I guess this is growing up |
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| 04:49pm 05/09/2009 |
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mood:  aggravated music: smog => 37 push-ups
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So you quote love unquote me
Well, stranger things have come to be
But let's agree to disagree
Cause I don't believe you
I don't believe you
You tell me I'm not not cute
Its truth or falsity is moot
Cause honesty's not your strong suit
And I don't believe you
I don't believe you
You tell me of what once was
And all about Buck, Butch, and Buzz
How they were not like me because...
But I don't believe you
I don't believe you
I had a dream and you were in it
The blue of your eyes was infinite
You seemed to be
In love with me
Which isn't very realistic
You may sing me "They Were You"
And I start crying halfway through
But nothing else you say is true
So I don't believe you
I don't believe you
You may set your charm on stun
And say I'm delightful and fun
But you say that to everyone
Well, I don't believe you
I don't believe you
So you're brilliant gorgeous and
ampersand after ampersand
You think I just don't understand
But I don't believe you
I don't believe you
I don't believe you
I don't believe you
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| 04:41pm 27/08/2009 |
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mood:  drunk
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damn... im going to have to switch from gin to vodka... damn you communism! and damn you russian 101! hahahahah |
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| 03:52pm 27/08/2009 |
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mood:  alone. music: none.
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you needn't worry about my drinking... its only going to get worse before it gets better...
hahaha
xMisha |
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| what to do.. |
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| 03:06pm 16/08/2009 |
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mood: aggravated music: wind chimes
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how the fuck am i supposed to say no to this???? i can't wait until the day comes where guilt-tripping will no longer have any effect on me. and i just wont give a fuck about hurting anyone's feelings....
"You were always going to be the 1st person to know if I found my biological father, and I did more than that, I met my biological mother... and found my biological father in massachusetts, I haven't called him yet, I'm too scared but, I've never felt something so important in my life, and I want to be able to share it with you. It would mean a lot to me if you would give me a phone call or maybe stop by the apt before I move to a new one.. please michele, this would mean the world to me." ---from "her" on facebook via messages
i just really don't fucking get people sometimes... how they can be so hurtful and malicious and evil but then do 180's on you and beg for your forgiveness..
i guess the question goes: when is enough... enough?
i need to stop being sooo forgiving.
xMisha
ps. what almost everyone forgets sometimes is that im not obligated to do shit... but i do it anyways... you all forget that about me sometimes. |
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| idk where im going... |
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| 04:39am 05/08/2009 |
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mood:  paint my emotions! music: animal collective
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sometimes I don't want to make new friends, sometimes I just miss my old friends. But I'm seeing someone new now, he calms my heart down. But I'm too scared to tell him, how crazy I can get sometimes!
i miss his place.. some small things have changed.. but for some reason feels like a lot has changed. like i said i miss this place. he's a vegetarian now... wait vegan. wtf? idk.. life is passing me so quickly. i dont even remember last weekend. my alcohol consumption is getting worse, along with my memory. im glad he let me stay.. im just bummed i lost my cigs and my money..... my life may be a downward spiral but at least im pretending to have fun...
no one will read this.. no one i really care about.
you can only be so sorry. unfortunately for him, i never give up. sometimes i wish i could forget his number...
where is my new boy? not here. im sad. i wish he could distract me again... maybe ill see him tomorrow.
xMisha
ps. wtf???? greg has a gf? |
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| life |
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| 06:04am 01/08/2009 |
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mood: apathetic music: decemberists...
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it isn't fair... but jesus.. if you guys only knew how good of a person i am. or rather... how bad i could be and chose not to. sometimes... i think no one understands me at all..
why won't you listen?
xM |
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| god. why do little pop boy bands know me so well??? |
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| 12:22pm 07/07/2009 |
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mood:  recentful music: Can't Have You => Jonas Brothers
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You warned me that you were gonna leave
I never thought you would really go
I was blind but baby now I see
Broke your heart but now I know
That I was being such a fool
And I didn't deserve you
(CHORUS)
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I don't know if I'll get up
And I don't wanna cause a scene
But I'm dyin' without your love
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you
Lookin' at the letter you that you left
[The letter that you left, will I ever get you back]
Wondering if I'll ever get you back
[ooh aahh, ooh ahh]
Dreaming about when I'll see you next
[When will I see you next, will I ever get you back]
Knowing that I never will forget
[I won't forget, I won't forget]
That I was being such a fool
And I still don't deserve you
(CHORUS)
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I don't know if I'll get up
And I don't wanna cause a scene
Cause I'm dyin' without your love (yeah!)
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you
So tell me what we're fighting for
Cause you know that truth means so much more
Cause you would if you could, don't lie
Cause I'd give everything that I've got left
To show you I mean what I have said
I know I was such a fool
But I can't live without you
(CHORUS)
Don't wanna fall asleep
Don't know if I'll get up
I don't wanna cause a scene
But I'm dyin' without your love
I'm beggin' to hear your voice
Tell me you love me too
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you
Yeah!
(CHORUS)
Don't wanna fall asleep (Don't wanna fall asleep)
Cause I don't know if I'll get up (Who knows if I'd get up)
And I don't wanna cause a scene
'Cause I'm dyin' without your love (Yeah!)
I'm beggin' to hear your voice (Let me hear your voice)
Tell me you love me too (Tell me you love me too)
Cause I'd rather just be alone
If I know that I can't have you |
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| had a dream last night.. well this morning.. |
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| 11:22am 07/07/2009 |
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mood:  confused music: love bug => the jonas brothers
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i was modeling at this huge mall of some sorts.. everyone was there... i remember that i had to run to ericas car to get my make up.. which was like on the other side of the mall, it felt like i was barely running, a great struggle to get there. and there were people in a stadium outside (the volts members and danny walking around on it.. there was something going in there.) and then there was a huge like people were waiting for a concert or something. greg and robby were in that line with other familiar faces. they were like looking at themselves when they were younger, waiting in the same line, like a photo of themselves but younger. it was kinda weird. and above them was a zip line. michelle got on it in the blue dress, but was holding her chest because she wasnt wearing a bra for some reason... in order to get back to the same area i was before, but faster i started to drive ericas suv but she got there and made me switch places with her.. but it wasnt fast enough so i ran and thats when i saw greg and robby and michelle... and then i used to zip line to get back. i came back in this area trying to put my make up on with other models and random mirrors set up and greg, for some reason, came and visited me. someone.. maybe erica or anna.. was trying to get me to put on this liquid foundation, but i was putting other stuff on and i started bringing up the whole how greg was unfaithful to his ex's and stuff... and then suddenly he collapsed and stopped breathing.. so as cliche, i yelled someone call an ambulance, is there a doctor or paramedic here? and i proceeded to do cpr on him. i kept thinking back to that first kiss... and a piece of lyric from "love bug" came into my head.. "i kissed him for the first time yesterday, everything i wished that it would be, suddenly i forgot how to speak, hopeless, breathless, baby can't you see?" then i kept thinking about him throwing up or spitting on me or the paramedics having to do a stomach pump to get out whatever he took... but he didn't and he hadn't woken up before i woke up from it.
the weird thing, this isn't the first time i've had a dream about modeling like this. there was other drama involved, but nothing like this.. i actually finished the runway show and it was successful.
crazy. |
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| what happened june 23, 1912? |
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| 10:01pm 30/06/2009 |
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mood:  amused.. no anticipation? no.. music: Paul Baribeau => Strawberry
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btw the element carbon is fucking amazing...
and i just watched a program on captchas and how "re-captchas" are decoding old words that computers can't recognize.. they are using them to help translate all the back issues of the new yorks times and other old books with words we don't use anymore today, so we can read them online. super cool. :)
i know... totally nerdy but science excites me and learning things like that makes me think maybe someday i can discover something that can help people or do something to better society... yea i know sounds corny, but it really gives me hope, encouragement, and (damn it i forgot the other word i wanted to use to describe this feeling.. starts with an "a".. who knows.) anyway makes me think toward the future..
and despite my murky melancholy floating about, i really feel in a good mood about whats going to happen in my life. nothing is for sure or promising for that matter, but i have a good feeling about things. im feeling artistic. :) i think im gonna go make some.
xMisha
ps. i think im going to try and become friends, if not acquaintances with my ex. if he'll let me. wish me luck. |
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| what a fag. |
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| 11:14pm 15/06/2009 |
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mood: apathetic music: david bazan => selling advertising
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crimesexploited: Ew I've always been a groupie. |
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| anna |
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| 06:39pm 05/06/2009 |
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mood: anxious music: Jonas Brothers => Love Bug
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i think we need to sing a harder rougher version of this:
haha and dedicate it to the volts. aha
xMisha |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| i wish... |
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| 02:52pm 05/06/2009 |
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mood: cold music: Doctor Bird => Not Gonna Cry (Mary J. Blige Cover)
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i was smarter. then i could be superior. because being smart and pretentious and arrogant makes you awesome. and it makes people like you better for some reason.. you look like a stronger person maybe. you are invincible..
maybe its because when they really get to know you they find out that you're just a stupid twat with extremely low self esteem...
danny was right. we're all a bunch of fucking degenerates. and i am the queen.
xMisha |
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| im just going to fucking do it |
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| 02:02pm 07/05/2009 |
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mood:  productive music: PROPAGANDHI
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Creating your own 1001 Day Project
The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).
Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.
Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.
Once you have created your site, you can add it to the master list here at Day Zero.
Calculating the End Date
You can easily find out when your project will end by using this handy tool at timeanddate.com.
Adding a Date Countdown to Your Site
If you would like to add a countdown to your site the following Javascript can be used.
Simply paste the code where you want the countdown to appear and change the variable BigDay to the last day of the project. |
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| 09:55am 03/05/2009 |
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mood: disappointed music: lake feet => black moth super rainbow
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i honestly dont think im a bad person. i mean really. if i am this awful horrible mutant of a human being, can someone please fucking tell me what i did wrong? i'd really like to know what i did to deserve the following:
1- being attacked by my former best friends ex boyfriend
2- being thrown out of the home (literally) i had made in my former best friends apartment
3- losing my best friend over an abusive boyfriend
4- being forced to move back into a bad living situation with my mother
5- terminated from my job without any notification
6- lost an ex boyfriend who i valued as a close if not best friend
7- got fucked over by a multitude of guys who used me for sex
8- got abandoned by a new best friend who decided to date my fucking drug dealing brother and go on a drug trip for a month
9- got fired/dropped from a second job because i couldnt find a store to transfer to
10- taking an overwhelming amount of classes i cant handle
11- being fucked over by a few more guys
12- taking too many drugs and alcohol to drown out the world
13- contemplating suicide and then
14- finally meeting an awesome guy who i really like
but then having him and my best friend go behind my fucking back, fuck each other, and make the plan not to tell me. until my "best friend" racked by fucking guilt makes up a story involving him pretty much raping her. and then finding out that it was 100% completely fucking mutual sex.
this is just since january 2009 and seriously at this point im looking over the side of a rocky cliff and thinking that those sharp jagged rocks and violent seas below aren't looking too bad.
xMisha
ps. please feel free to dose out your opinions, but no more anonymous ones, these days i just cant handle secret identities and silly grade school lies anymore. if you want to say it at least have the balls to post it with your own screen name. thus why i dont have a friends only journal anymore. |
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| 03:01pm 15/04/2009 |
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If you were here, baby we'd increase the dose.
There was no fear in my room when we got close.
Call me anytime you've got a ghost.
You're the only person in the world I feel that way about.
And if you move off to the side, I'll get swept back out
Where it's cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow.
Cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow.
And there's a light that rises up from the bottom of the lake.
And its beam has hit me hard
Now I'm wide awake
Where it's cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow
Cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow
Cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow
Cold but not that deep, cause your legs grow.
If you were here, baby we'd increase the dose.
There was no fear in my room when we got close.
Call me anytime you've got a ghost. |
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| 10:46am 15/04/2009 |
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mood:  ehhh!! music: none
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honesty only seems to get me in trouble or hurt other people. wtf is wrong with me? or is it more like wtf is wrong with everyone else? why is it so fucking hard to be honest to the people you're closest to?
xMisha |
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| 02:46pm 09/04/2009 |
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i need some instruction, like a step guide of how to organize myself.
i've had this problem since i was little. i couldn't clean my room without me running up to helen and asking her what i should do first and second and third. etc. etc. its kinda funny because i have no problem instructing others on what to do, like when im helping sarah clean her apartment. but now i need help. i have a very messy life and i need instructions on how to clean it up. who wants to help me?
xMisha |
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| 12:04am 05/04/2009 |
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mood:  hopeful music: none
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a lot of shit going on. luckily this is just the start of my spring break so ill have sometime to sort these things.
there are the boys. i like this one and i think that we may be dating but its still not real clear. were by no means "committed" and i want to just try and have fun and not worry about being with one person now. i think that was my downfall these past six months. so i think maybe if i don't try it'll happen maybe. he seems to care a lot about me from what i've tasted so far, so who knows. there are also a few crushes here and there, but for the most part im single and alone.
there is school. im so behind. i hope i can really force myself to buckle down and get my many papers written and book read. some people call it laziness procrastination or the like. its really lack of motivation. right now i have no reason to do anything. i really hate how my life is turning and its not all my fault. you can't control being poor. or the fucking economy. or losing your job. and getting forced to move back in with your parent. these things just fucking happen sometime. school shit just isn't my first priority and i dont have anyone coaching me through this. in case you never knew i was never rewarded for good grades or given re-assuring pats on the back from my parents. my self confidence is disgustingly low and my motivation to keep going is not there. having a psychotic mother putting you down constantly and restricting you doesn't help either. i feel like i live in north korea sometimes.
and lastly home life. if i were in high school and my counselor asked me how my home life is, they probably would have had me put up for adoption. physical and mental (verbal) abuse sucks. and unless you've really experienced it you dont have room to talk.
im gonna leave it at that note. depressing and hopeless i know. but hey things always get worse before they get better right? guess i still haven't hit rock bottom yet. we'll see.
wish me luck.
xMisha |
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head_phone's journal
